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R elationships are the
of our lives,
and even though our very health and
well-being depends on them working well, we
often overlook a fundamental truth about
them that has everything to do with how
well they succeed and whether or not they
That truth is
that emotional hungers - often hidden
ones - drive the
involved. And when the parties in a
relationship make choices based on these
emotional needs to which they remain
oblivious - well, the predicted outcome can
is likely to become a first class mess!
Words like accusations, recriminations,
arguments, stony silences, frozen feelings,
illicit affairs come to mind. Not what
anybody would consciously choose if they
thought about it.
So, what's the alternative? Is there a
better way? Yes, indeed. It's a simple,
1. First, accept that having emotional
hungers is normal. Everyone has them. This
means there's no need to freak out or
create any drama or emergency about them.
You won't die if you admit to having
2. Allow yourself to gradually become aware
of what these emotional hungers are that
have been driving your behavior without you
realizing it. At this stage,
admit them to
Don't communicate them yet to anyone
else, as you don't know how they might
3. Then, take responsibility for them - in
other words, own, rather than disowning or
pushing them away:
"These are my emotional hungers and
therefore it is up to me to find safe and
effective ways to take care of
Commit yourself to the ongoing process of
keeping yourself emotionally
well-nourished. The benefit of keeping
state of positive emotional sustenance
cannot be over-emphasized.
One benefit is feeling good in
yourself. You feel your core self
developing, your individuality blooming in
a positive way.
Another is that you're changing for the
better the internal, environmental signals
that elicit the behavior of your cells -
and therefore you will produce better
Yet perhaps the area
where the positive effect is most profound
is in your social relationships
Remove the stress from trying to get
something you need from the other person
without you - or they - knowing what that
is, and your relationships automatically
That's because you're no longer relating
from an emotionally needy place.
Then, too, as your state of emotional
nourishment improves, you become full
enough to offer emotional nourishment in
your relationships. In short, you
just can't lose!
If you feel stuck about how you might take
care of your emotional hungers - if you
feel like you don't have a clue, or if you
have some clues but would like to be
reminded, don't worry. You don't have
go to some
group, seminar or workshop.
You can sample three core emotional
nutrients - messages that feed your aspects
of your core emotional self
and click on the sample.
You'll find a
key emotional nutrient that nourishes
your core self, another that feeds your
independent self and supports your making
healthy boundaries, and a third that
nurtures your skillfulness. You can
listen as many times as you want, and
line is that you always have those as an
option - even if you wake up emotionally
hungry at 2 in the morning!
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Tags: positive relationship healthy relationship relationship problem what is social health emotional support emotional health social health emotional support improve a relationship relationship success social health
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