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How to Recognize a Chronically Hurtful Person
Learn to Regnize Them, Whether Before - (or after!!) You Get Hurt.

Volume V   # 72    Copyright 2014        All Rights Reserved
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Once again, BetterHealthBytes is delighted to welcome guest author Roxanne Livingston, M.A., author of  Chronically Hurtful People: How to Identify and Deal with the Difficult, Destructive, and Disconnected.

Chronically hurtful people, or CHPs, are those among us who are uninterested in the negative consequences their behavior has for others. A CHP in one's life may be a relative, a colleague, a neighbor or any significant other.  Actively noticing the following may help to avoid the hurt that most often will result for anyone who attempts to have an equitable or mutual relationship with a CHP.

1.   Image Trumps Substance.
  A CHP may "look good" and do nothing, making promises and commitments that never quite come to pass. CHPs are expert at fooling others and eliciting support. Their self-promotion tactics are many, and take center stage over activities which genuinely serve the general welfare, or common good, no matter how it appears on the surface. 

2.   Power and Control versus Love and Cooperation.
Winning at all costs, and staying "one-up" is par for the course. CHPs refuse to be changed by another person, and tend to believe that personal gain in whatever endeavor is their birthright. In private relationships their defenses will take precedence over the distress of their partner, often no matter what the issue at hand. Power, not problem solving is foremost for a CHP.

3.   A Lack of Reciprocity.
Any relationship involves reciprocal change. There is an innate sense of "fairness" in most of us, whether consciously acknowledged or not.  When this is violated, the setting of mutual goals or problem solving ceases.

4.   Drama and Excitement Instead of Relationship.
The CHP sets up action to avoid his or her emptiness inside. This may include, lying, stealing, cheating, causing "accidents", or whatever. Significant others may spend a good deal of time "putting out the fires" set by the CHP in their lives.

5.      Fear Based Actions
The CHP does not acknowledge his or her "dark side", or "shadow." He or she often projects aggressive impulses on others and then feels quite justified in"striking back."  

6.  Ignores Interdependence
CHPs refuse to face their own dependency needs, and deny the help received from others and social systems they have needed to have accomplished whatever they have accomplished.

7.   Avoids Responsibility for Messes They Make.
Even when irrefutable evidence shows error on the CHP's part, he/she will blame others and make excuses.  When push comes to shove, rather than taking full responsibility, CHPs will lapse into a victim position, i.e. "I'm just a damaged person" or "I don't know why I am so awful", in an attempt to gain advantage by eliciting support and compassion.

 8.  Demands Special Treatment.
Rules don't apply to CHPs.  They may become righteously angry if someone cuts in line in front of them, but feel entitled to that behavior when the shoe is on the other foot.

9.    Saying and Doing Don't Match.
The track record of anyone is important. For example, all of us make mistakes.  But "I'm sorry," without changes in behavior means nothing. Likewise, saying such and such is a plan, or claiming to hold a particular value, and then behaving quite the opposite is common with a CHP. 

Once one recognizes a CHP, the temptation is to want to "help" him or her see the light, change, or whatever.  However, the first course of action to take is self-care. CHPs don't see themselves as the problem. They, however, cause problems for others and society.


For more information see
Roxanne K. Livingston, the author of Chronically Hurtful People: How to Identify and Deal with the Difficult, Destructive, and Disconnected.

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Tags: Abusive relationships difficult people narcissistic people self-absorbed people dealing with difficult people hurtful relationships relationships that hurt difficult bosses



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Tags: Abusive relationships difficult people narcissistic people self-absorbed people dealing with difficult people hurtful relationships relationships that hurt difficult bosses


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